Tonight my life is your life
by oh-the-shame
Summary: Neville has to deal with his inner turmoil as he starts his 6th year at Hogwarts.


He sighed as he looked in the mirror.

He didn't remember ever looking like this. When he had first come to this school, his eyes were bright and shining, full of hope, now they were deadened by the burdens laid upon him. His face had showed an eagerness to do well and make his family proud, even if some of them would never know what he had achieved, now it showed the tiredness of a young boy who was forced to grow up too fast.

He ran his fingers through his dark hair and sighed again.

'Why can't life go back to how it was?' he thought, as he heard the bell ring to signal the start of lessons.

He knew he would be late.

Again.

But it didn't seem to matter any more.

Nothing really did.

As he slowly sauntered to class, he wished he could turn the clock back. Not back to when he was a baby, he couldn't go through that again, just back far enough so he could correct the one mistake he would regret for the rest of his life.

But, deep down, he knew it couldn't happen.

And that it hadn't been an accident. He knew exactly what he was doing when he did it. And he'd do it again if he had to. Pretending it was an accident made it slightly easier to cope with.

He could remember the moment his curse pierced her heart, as if it was yesterday. The only woman he'd ever been able to love and he had killed her.

'LONGBOTTOM'

McGonagall's voice cut through his thoughts like a knife.

Neville's head snapped up as he was being admonished for the third time today.

He hadn't been paying attention at all. His mind had wandered back to that night. The darkness, the fear, the feeling that he had to do something he would never recover from.

'errrmmmm…..I'm sorry, professor' Neville stumbled 'I don't know'

Professor McGonagall looked down at him. An expression he'd never seen before crept across her face.

She was one of the few people that actually knew exactly what had happened that night, and she seemed to understand why Neville was unable to concentrate.

Just then the bell rang to signal end of lessons.

Neville heaved a sigh of relief as all the students' attention was drawn to packing away their stuff and making their way to the great hall for lunch.

Neville had been attracting a lot of student attention in the two weeks since they'd been back at Hogwarts, and most of it was bad.

People had heard bits of what had happened over the holidays. Mainly the parts about Neville killing someone. People made up awful stories about him going mad. Only Harry, Dumbledore, professor McGonagall and himself knew what really happened that night.

He made his way to the great hall and sat down to lunch.

Usually, Neville devoured the fantastic food the house elves had prepared in the kitchens below, but, since the summer, he'd hardly been able to touch food. He had no appetite at all.

He glanced at his pork chop on his plate and breathed a heavy sigh. He just couldn't face eating. He didn't care if he never ate again.

Neville looked down the table at his fellow gryffindors. People he used to be able to call his friends.

Hermione gave him a sympathetic smile and carried on eating.

Even though they knew the circumstances of the events over the summer, even Harry, Ron and Hermione couldn't bring themselves to talk to him.

Neville heaved his chair back, stood up and made his way to the greenhouses, early for their herbology lesson.

Tending to the plants in the greenhouses always lifted neville's spirits slightly.

They didn't make up stories about him. They didn't whisper about him behind their hands. They didn't judge him.

'Hello Neville'

He jumped as a soft voice spoke to him.

This was the first time anyone had spoken to him since the summer, unless you count the whispers and rumours he heard as he walked through the school.

He slowly looked up and saw two big, green eyes smiling at him, which made him catch his breath.

'Hello Maya' he replied, weakly.

He had known Maya Davis, a hufflepuff girl, for a while. They had had herbology together for five years but he had never really seen her.

He noticed how her eyes sparkled, how her auburn hair just kissed the top of her shoulder, how she smiled. Come to think of it, she had always been smiling when Neville had seen her.

'I wish I could be as happy as she obviously is' Neville thought to himself.

She spoke again, her soft voice bringing Neville back to the greenhouse and away from his own thoughts.

'These are your speciality, aren't they?

Maya was pointing at the quivering mimbulus mimbletonia (whatever) that separated them.

'Yeah' Neville blushed 'my gran bought me one a few years ago. It's still going strong.

He managed to let out a grin, something he hadn't done for months.

'Wow' Maya smiled 'you must be really good with plants. They only ever seem to live a few weeks when I get near them'

Neville blushed again

'It's easy, really. If you don't mind me asking' Neville shifted uncomfortably 'what are you doing in here so early?'

It wasn't a particularly probing question but Neville had always been nervous about offending people and was trying to tread carefully, in case he upset the one person who wanted to talk to him.

'Not that I mind' he added hurriedly.

'Oh' Maya replied, with a nonchalant sway of her head 'some slytherin girls were being their usual beastly selves to me and I felt like getting away from them, so I went for a walk. As I passed the greenhouse, I saw you and thought you might like some company.'

Neville looked at her in surprise. No one had volunteered to keep him company since he got back from the summer holidays.

'And, besides, I like being in amongst the plants. They're so non judgmental.' She smiled back at him.

Neville was stuck for something to say now. He wanted to keep talking to Maya, cos he realised that, when he did, he wasn't thinking about what happened over the summer.

'I've got some crossbred plants, you know.' He said, quickly.

'Oh, wow' Maya gasped 'I'd love to see them…if you don't mind, obviously'

'Of course not' Neville smiled at her 'they're not overly spectacular but I love creating new species'

They chatted away happily about plants and herbology until the rest of the class arrived.

The whispering started again and the thoughts that had left Neville's mind for half an hour returned with an almighty bang.

Over the next month Neville and Maya became firm friends, and not just because she was the only person in the school willing to talk to him, one of the few who didn't voice their opinions about how a murderer shouldn't be allowed in the school.

Neville found that when he was with Maya, he didn't think about what happened over the summer, or at least not so much. The other students' taunts and whispering didn't bother him either.

His heart felt lighter than it had done in ages with her.

Yet, when they seemed to be getting really close, something odd started happening.

Every time they were alone together, Neville heard words running through his head.

'You are so precious, I'd carve you in bone. For all of my efforts, I end up alone'

They were the words to a song he had heard a muggle singing one day while he was out with his gran. The song had stuck in his head cos it was pretty much describing his life.

He just couldn't get it out of his head once it got in there.

He shrugged it off the first few times it happened but then he realised that it was only when they were together he heard it.

One day, when they were sat in the Gryffindor common room together (strictly speaking, Maya wasn't meant to be in there but no one wanted to speak to Neville to tell him, so they used it whenever they liked) Neville decided to try and talk to Maya about song in his head when they were together.

'umm…there's something I need to talk to you about' he said nervously.

'What's up?' Maya smiled.

'Well, ummm….I don't really know how to say this without sounding mental. When we're together, I hear a voice in my head. Well, singing. It's always the same words over and over again'

Maya still smiled at him. Neville wished that she wouldn't as it made it harder for him.

It was hard enough for him to remember to breathe when he looked into her eyes when she was smiling, how did she expect him to cope now?

'do you want to tell me the words you're hearing? Maybe I can help' she asked, lightly

He repeated the words to her and she nodded her head.

'I think, Neville, that you have some attachment issues' Maya was still smiling 'it seems that you 're too scared to let yourself get too involved because you'll only end up getting hurt and this is your subconscious' way of telling you. Something must have happened to make you feel this way. Have you gone through some serious heartbreak or lost someone very dear to you recently?'

Neville couldn't believe what he was hearing. Had Maya not heard about what had happened in the summer? Then he remembered that Maya wouldn't have heard as she didn't really socialise with anyone in school other than Neville. The only time people really spoke to her was to poke fun at her for her tattered robes or the fact that her parents were so poor, they sent Maya to Hogwarts purely so they would save money by not having to feed her.

Neville took a deep breath.

'You could say that. It was the worst time of my life. The one person I could love in the whole world'

His breath caught in the back of his throat.

'do you want to tell me about it? You know you can talk to me about anything'

'Are you sure you want to hear this?'

Maya nodded, still smiling.

Neville's eyes glazed over, like he was reliving what had happened that night.

He saw it all again in his mind.

He had felt for some time that there was something not quite right going on. She had been overly anxious to see Harry. Pushy, in fact.

Harry came to stay with Neville for the last week of the holidays. It was all she talked about for weeks beforehand. They had arranged to go to a muggle funfair for the evening.

But she was acting very strangely, not like herself at all.

They went to the funfair, went on a few rides and had a nice evening. Harry managed to win a stuffed toy, which he decided to give to Ginny on their return to Hogwarts. Harry always had a fondness for Ginny.

They were on their way home, through a deserted street, when she stumbled. Harry rushed to help her. It was at that moment she attacked, first knocking Harry to the ground and winding him, then turning her wand on him.

'What are you doing?' shouted Neville

'Get out of the way, Neville' she snarled.

Neville had never seen her like this. She looked ugly and evil. A twisted grin was playing on her lips.

'He shall die tonight'

'What are you talking about?' Neville cried

'The Dark Lord wishes him dead and it shall be so.'

Neville heard the first word of the worst curse a wizard could use and flung himself in front of Harry.

'avarda…..'

'Noooooo' he screamed.

'Get out of the way, foolish boy' she snarled.

Neville looked her dead in the eye and he realised.

Her actions weren't her own. She had been placed under the imperius curse by the Dark Lord. He knew this because, although she was doing his bidding, when Neville looked in her eyes, he could see her pleading with him to end it for her. She was too weak to fight off the curse herself and Neville knew of nothing that could break it.

He knew what he had to do.

He raised his wand and shouted.

A flash of light hit her in the chest and she crumpled onto the floor.

Neville rushed over to her and cradled his head in her hands.

'Thank you' she whispered, looking lovingly into his eyes.

Suddenly, someone was tugging at his sleeve.

'Come on' he heard Harry's voice say 'We have to get out of here'

Neville raised his head out of his hands, feeling a slight sense of relief for having told someone and looked at Maya.

Her smile had gone from her face and tears were welling up into her eyes.

He felt his throat restrict. He was sure she would want nothing more to do with him, now she knew what he was capable of.

'I can't believe it. She said, quietly.

Neville braced himself for what was coming.

'Murderer. Cold blooded killer, Heartless' he'd heard it all before.

'I can't believe you've been carrying that round on your own for so long' Maya said and, much to Neville's surprise, hugged him tighter than he had ever been hugged before.

'But….I killed someone…that's unforgivable…..I killed someone I love'

Maya looked at him and smiled.

'You didn't kill her, Neville. You-know-who killed her. You set her free. You did the bravest thing anyone could ever do. She would never have been able to fight off that curse on her own, and he would have killed her once he got what he wanted. And you saved Harry's life. It must have taken so much courage on your part.'

'but it was me that cast the curse' he sobbed. It was the first time he'd cried since it all happened. He felt waves of relief as the tears rolled down his cheeks.

'but it wasn't an unforgivable curse, was it? It wasn't a curse designed to cause injury to another. Her heart was weak and it couldn't stand up to it. You're no more a murderer than I am.

Neville tried to take in what Maya was saying, but it was hard. He had cast the curse. He had killed her. But then he heard a voice in his head.

'Thank you'

It was her voice.

Maya was right. He had set her free. He had felt so guilty for so long about what he had done that it felt strange when those feelings disappeared. But they did disappear and Neville was able to see what it was he had done, without bias.

He felt Maya's arms around him again and he melted into them.

He could smell her soft perfume and it comforted him.

Then he could hear the words again.

'you are so precious, I'd carve you in bone. For all of my efforts, I end up alone'

He raised his head to look deep into Maya's eyes. She was smiling again.

He slowly leaned in and gently kissed her.

When he realised that she was kissing him back, she hadn't recoiled in horror, the words stopped circulating in his head and he knew.

They were going to be ok. He could let himself love her, because she loved him.

'I've got an idea' Maya smiled, as they walked hand in hand down the corridor 'it's a Hogsmeade weekend this weekend, isn't it?'

'Yeah' Neville replied. He'd never been so happy, walking through the school.

'Ok. Don't go to Hogsmeade. Wait until everyone has gone and then meet me in the entrance hall. Bring your broom'

'What are you planning?' Neville grinned

'A little surprise. Wrap up warm' she giggled.

Over the next three days Neville tried his hardest to get Maya to tell him what she was planning, but she insisted on him waiting and it being a surprise.

Saturday morning rolled round and it wasn't long before Neville found himself stood in the entrance hall, broom in hand.

Maya came bounding over to him with a beaming smile on her face, her broom in one hand and a single red rose in the other.

'Shall we?' she grinned 'just follow me'

They made their way outside, mounted their brooms and set off.

They flew for what seemed like hours, over vast fields full of sheep, cows and crops.

Finally, Maya indicated to Neville that they were going to start to descend.

They reached the ground and Neville looked round.

They were in a cemetery. Neville looked confused.

'I told you I had a surprise for you' Maya smiled, pulling him by the arm.

They finally came to a stop in front of a big black marble grave.

Neville looked down and caught his breath.

Maya pushed the rose into his left hand and her own hand into his right.

With a firm grip on her hand, Neville placed the rose on the grave.

As he did, a single tear rolled down his cheek.

'Goodbye gran. I love you.'


End file.
